November 21, 2009

James Clarke´s Gran is dead.

My friend from Northern Ireland reports the details of the funeral via email:

The Funeral & all that was a nightmare. The hearse crashed into the church, creating a fireball. Gran never wanted to be cremated, but sure, easy come, easy go. Then, the ashes & smoke were blown across the street, causing a 10 car pile up... lets just say there'll be a couple more funerals next week. I drank too much & ambushed the priest before the ceremony... tying him up & stealing his robes, I then took control of the funeral & recalled stories of how such a wicked woman my gran was, & how she used to beat me & lock me in a cage in the basement with nothing but a bucket of fish heads to eat. It didn't go down too well, as you can imagine. This was followed by my hijacking of the choir, & then forcing them to play as I sung a swing version of the Sex Pistols "God Save The Queen" & Nine Inch Nails "Closer"... the line: "I wanna fuck you like an animal" went down exceedingly well.


  1. I did get pretty mean drunk tho. I do believe that I insulted my brother by claiming that one of his friends suffered from "monsterism". Ohh man, it was the whiskey that tipped me over the edge. That, or the vial of baby's blood, 2 ounces of coke & a pint of milk (two weeks past it's sell by date) I consumed.

  2. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. It's true, it happened, & if anyone says otherwise, I'll f**k them up!!