My friend from Northern Ireland reports the details of the funeral via email:
The Funeral & all that was a nightmare. The hearse crashed into the church, creating a fireball. Gran never wanted to be cremated, but sure, easy come, easy go. Then, the ashes & smoke were blown across the street, causing a 10 car pile up... lets just say there'll be a couple more funerals next week. I drank too much & ambushed the priest before the ceremony... tying him up & stealing his robes, I then took control of the funeral & recalled stories of how such a wicked woman my gran was, & how she used to beat me & lock me in a cage in the basement with nothing but a bucket of fish heads to eat. It didn't go down too well, as you can imagine. This was followed by my hijacking of the choir, & then forcing them to play as I sung a swing version of the Sex Pistols "God Save The Queen" & Nine Inch Nails "Closer"... the line: "I wanna fuck you like an animal" went down exceedingly well.