September 11, 2009

Oh, James.

Cigarette box style vinyl packaging we concocted for 5MA

James Clarke is an enterprising young chap from Northern Ireland who has worked with Blue Barnhouse for more than 2 years making limited edition package for his record label, 5 Minute Association (5MA.) The 5MA philosophy is pretty well matched with our own as described on their website:

5MA an independent record label based in Ireland, releasing lathe cut records in editions of 100.
With a strong focus on the design & packaging we strive to fulfill an aesthetic of creating an item that is as equally visually enthralling & appealing as it is sonically.

James Clarke of 5MA

While that's pretty interesting, what is way more entertaining are the emails we get from him, and after a particularly amusing one from him yesterday, I decided that's what I shall dedicate this blog to today. Below are some of my favorite excerpts from two years of emails. Cheers to you, James, you cheeky bastard. sorry boss, just pre-occupied with my new job as mayor, & satisfying my supermodel wives (yes, my first act as mayor was to abolish bigamy)...

Oh yeh, did I tell you about the time I drove into a lake & left my female passenger to die?! No? Well, that's one for the grandkids!!

Finally got the sleeves the other week, & was so excited that I accidentally jizzed over several of them, so could you make a couple more up?

You'll never guess what happened to me today. I was mugged & brutally attacked & left for dead by a group of 5 year olds. They're getting worse these days.

Canadians scare me, they're like Americans, but a little off kilter. They're wrong I tells ya! Like non-alcoholic beer, or electric cars... just not natural!!

"I was working in the lab late one night. When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise. And suddenly to my surprise..." He got up & said "F**k you, I've had enough of this shit".

Who you callin' a nutjob? You just wait till I get stateside, I'll cut you! I'll cut you good!

[half Irish/] half Belgian, by blood, so when someone confronts me, half of me wants to beat the shit out of them, the other wants to run & hide, but both like to drink!

Oh yeh, forgot to mention about me being a Dark Lord Of The Sith, sorry about that. I wasn't joking when I said I had pasty white skin, it's these black hooded cloaks, & hiding in the darkness all the time, it does nothing for my health.

Lies make baby jesus cry.

Did you find Juan? The little portugese boy who was stowed away in the box with the records? I treated that boy good, so don't let him tell you otherwise!

I already have plans for a project, you can rope in the rest of yr good time employees if you'd like... I'm working on the blueprints for a scale model of the Death Star, made out of cardboard. If you guys can have the reactor core made up by the time I get there, I'll work on the rest.

Be well, & as Jesus once said, "look at me like that once more, & I'll knife ya!!!" Jesus, the Spanish kid down the street... not the religious dude...

I need that cardboard deathstar made up for next week if possible, just keep yr fedex guy away from it.

I think I caught Farrell's strip show when I was in Tijiuana, he was playing support for a donkey sex show. Ah, good times.

Jesus died for our sins so as we could all have easter eggs.

I'm back home from the U-S-of-A! Crazy shit man. Got married to a half woman/half beast in Vegas, then turned gay in San Francisco, & got divorced. Nice!

So here's to future madness, & many a wasted hour on things we should know better not to do.

Be bad,



  1. From the desk of James Clarke:

    I never gave permission for this to be used!!! Expect a letter from my lawyers!! Yr letterpressing days are numbered. Ahh hah hah! Oh, & to any Canandians reading, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, don't come looking for me!!

  2. Shoulda read the fine print on that waiver, son. All is fair!!!

  3. One last one from James:

    Maybe I should write a book called "Jamesisms: things you shouldn't say in public, or in private... or even think about". I'm gonna make millions!!

  4. To those at the Blue Barnhouse, I love you all as much as a man can without exchanging bodily fluids...
    Take it sleazy, & see you all in the not so distant future...


  5. Here, can I get a job at the BBH as the resident clown? Then after about a week, you'll find out that I'm a raging alcoholic suffering from chronic depression, & you'll have to call the immigration authorities on me, resulting in my expulsion from the states, & ultimately my hell bent desire to get back at you all. After ruining you all, I'll write a book about it & use that money to rebuild yr lives, hence, restoring my place as all round lovable rogue! Sounds like a plan, right? Ahh hah hah!

  6. Oh, & FYI, that book I'm writing about ruining yr lives, it's called "Burning Down the House". See what I did there? Genius!! ;)