James Clarke´s Gran is dead.

My friend from Northern Ireland reports the details of the funeral via email:

The Funeral & all that was a nightmare. The hearse crashed into the church, creating a fireball. Gran never wanted to be cremated, but sure, easy come, easy go. Then, the ashes & smoke were blown across the street, causing a 10 car pile up... lets just say there'll be a couple more funerals next week. I drank too much & ambushed the priest before the ceremony... tying him up & stealing his robes, I then took control of the funeral & recalled stories of how such a wicked woman my gran was, & how she used to beat me & lock me in a cage in the basement with nothing but a bucket of fish heads to eat. It didn't go down too well, as you can imagine. This was followed by my hijacking of the choir, & then forcing them to play as I sung a swing version of the Sex Pistols "God Save The Queen" & Nine Inch Nails "Closer"... the line: "I wanna fuck you like an animal" went down exceedingly well.

Oh, James.

Cigarette box style vinyl packaging we concocted for 5MA

James Clarke is an enterprising young chap from Northern Ireland who has worked with Blue Barnhouse for more than 2 years making limited edition package for his record label, 5 Minute Association (5MA.) The 5MA philosophy is pretty well matched with our own as described on their website:

5MA an independent record label based in Ireland, releasing lathe cut records in editions of 100. With a strong focus on the design & packaging we strive to fulfill an aesthetic of creating an item that is as equally visually enthralling & appealing as it is sonically.


James Clarke of 5MA

While that's pretty interesting, what is way more entertaining are the emails we get from him, and after a particularly amusing one from him yesterday, I decided that's what I shall dedicate this blog to today. Below are some of my favorite excerpts from two years of emails. Cheers to you, James, you cheeky bastard.

...so sorry boss, just pre-occupied with my new job as mayor, & satisfying my supermodel wives (yes, my first act as mayor was to abolish bigamy)...

Oh yeh, did I tell you about the time I drove into a lake & left my female passenger to die?! No? Well, that's one for the grandkids!!

Finally got the sleeves the other week, & was so excited that I accidentally jizzed over several of them, so could you make a couple more up?

You'll never guess what happened to me today. I was mugged & brutally attacked & left for dead by a group of 5 year olds. They're getting worse these days.

Canadians scare me, they're like Americans, but a little off kilter. They're wrong I tells ya! Like non-alcoholic beer, or electric cars... just not natural!!

"I was working in the lab late one night. When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster from his slab began to rise. And suddenly to my surprise..." He got up & said "F**k you, I've had enough of this shit".

Who you callin' a nutjob? You just wait till I get stateside, I'll cut you! I'll cut you good!

I'm [half Irish/] half Belgian, by blood, so when someone confronts me, half of me wants to beat the shit out of them, the other wants to run & hide, but both like to drink!

Oh yeh, forgot to mention about me being a Dark Lord Of The Sith, sorry about that. I wasn't joking when I said I had pasty white skin, it's these black hooded cloaks, & hiding in the darkness all the time, it does nothing for my health.

Lies make baby jesus cry.

Did you find Juan? The little portugese boy who was stowed away in the box with the records? I treated that boy good, so don't let him tell you otherwise!

I already have plans for a project, you can rope in the rest of yr good time employees if you'd like... I'm working on the blueprints for a scale model of the Death Star, made out of cardboard. If you guys can have the reactor core made up by the time I get there, I'll work on the rest.

Be well, & as Jesus once said, "look at me like that once more, & I'll knife ya!!!" Jesus, the Spanish kid down the street... not the religious dude...

I need that cardboard deathstar made up for next week if possible, just keep yr fedex guy away from it.

I think I caught Farrell's strip show when I was in Tijiuana, he was playing support for a donkey sex show. Ah, good times.

Jesus died for our sins so as we could all have easter eggs.

I'm back home from the U-S-of-A! Crazy shit man. Got married to a half woman/half beast in Vegas, then turned gay in San Francisco, & got divorced. Nice!

So here's to future madness, & many a wasted hour on things we should know better not to do.

Be bad,

James